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Accounting Humor on the House!

 

 

 

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself." The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40." St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting/Consulting
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes.
9. You get all excited it's Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.
3. Ask your friends to "think out of box" when making Friday night plans. 
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
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You Might Be An Accountant If...

  • You refer to your child as Deduction 214
  • You dedut Ex-lax as "moving expenses"
  • You have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store
  • At the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation
  • Getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long
  • Your idea of thrashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card
  • You are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year
  • You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "========"

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If Excel Were a Car...

  • It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You'd just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.
  • Occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
  • You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.
  • You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.
  • There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.
  • You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: "This car has performed an illegal operation."
  • Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, "Are you sure?"
  • Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.
  • A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.

Hot Air Balloon
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers that he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."
"You must be an accountant," says the balloonist.
"Yes I am" replies the man. "And how did you know that"
"Well" says the balloonist, "what you tell me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"Well, yes I am" replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well", says the accountant, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Interview
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."
The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

Newton's Laws of Accounting
1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong.

How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage.

Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
A very successful partner in a Big Four firm has a peculiar habit. He will go to his desk, open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity. One day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break. They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside - it said - "left is debit and right is credit."

Why don't accountants count sheep to get to sleep?
Because they need a spreadsheet to do the calculations.

Half of accounting is ninety percent correct calculations.
Budget: An orderly system for living beyond your means
We've just been informed that the Internal Revenue Service has simplified its 1040 forms for next year in the spirit of becoming a "kinder, gentler" IRS. It goes like this: (A) How much did you make last year?______ (B) How much do you have left?___________ (C) Send in amount on line B.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.Once there was a Scottish CA. The firm had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear. His friends kept telling the CA that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell. Reluctantly, the CA called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs. When the stonemason got there the CA demanded a price for a new step. Aye, big job that, said the stonemason, But I suppose I could give you a new step for a hundred dollars. The CA was stunned. Are you daft, man. I canna pay you a hundred dollars! Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new square step? The stonemason hesitated. 20 dollars. Do it! demanded the CA, and call me when you're done. The CA went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the bell. As the CA opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step, laughing as he said Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago!

A surgeon, a CPA and a lawyer were arguing about which of them was practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said, "God created Eve from Adam's rib. Obviously, God is a surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession." The CPA protested, "Before God created Eve from Adam's rib, He created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows that God was an CPA before He was a surgeon. Accounting, then has to be the oldest profession." The lawyer sat for a moment wryly smiling, looking at the surgeon and the CPA. "That may be true," the lawyer said shrugging his shoulders, "but who created the chaos?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young accountant, fresh out of MBA school, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The accountant coolly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"
The accountant tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young accountant, fresh out of MBA school, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The accountant coolly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"
The accountant tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."